My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?
Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth
Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines