Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
i made a craigslist ad !
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me