When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
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No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT