For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
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I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.