My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
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I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”