Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.