I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
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My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Siri, fight Alexa.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like