Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
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My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery