Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
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GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My dad teaching me to drive
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
😅😅😅
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
u spoke cat all this time??????
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer