A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
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[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Fidel Castro was alive?
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”