He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
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The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.