Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
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“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?
3yo: no, I like playing with myself
Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
it’s the silliest best thing
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either