If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
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I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
How does one answer this?
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
True.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT