[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
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If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
File under excellent bookstore names.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
The photographer’s assistant
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”