instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
You Might Also Like
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.