I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
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Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
“You drive, I’m tired.”
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.