Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
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On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I’ll be mad as hell!
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.