Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.