My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
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They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.