Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
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With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.