Finally! 馃槇
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife鈥檚 clothes standing in the mirror.
Friends don鈥檛 tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
How To Avoid Dating
鈼廦ou’re too young for me.
鈼廔’m too young for you.
鈼廔 don’t date men my age.
鈼廜kay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Back in my day when we found a Pok茅mon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
You鈥檇 be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it鈥檚 a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid鈥檚 fine
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she鈥檒l probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
馃憞