The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
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[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My daily affirmation
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My current situation
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.