You Might Also Like
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.