Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes