Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying