listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
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It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?