If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
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I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.