Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
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*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.