Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
Florida man
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.