I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
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During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses