As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
You Might Also Like
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Who did it better?
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
No chill.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
I need to get some bricks…
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂