Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
You Might Also Like
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
and now we wait
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Grandmother clock.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.