Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Tuesday
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job