“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Sex so good you see dead people.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water