There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
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accurate
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Just ordered me some pizza!