Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
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if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin