I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Get in loser we’re going crying
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.