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Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
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[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
*weighs self after shaving
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it