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Alexa, make out with the Roomba
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
some things should go without saying
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.