Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
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what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.