Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
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*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.