When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.