My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
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I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
sleeping beauty
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction