I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
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if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now