Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
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Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
what?
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.