Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!