Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
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This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Come back with a warrant
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.