waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
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My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?