7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
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I have never heard an armadillo before.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.