From Facebook just now…
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Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
😬
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.